Harry and the Life Eaters
by Insane Troll Logic
Summary: Parody. Post HBP, not DH compatable. Harry tries to start his last year of school by dropping out, the death eaters have decided that eating life would be much more intimidating and Harry encounters a recurring problem with death. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter the First

**Title**- Harry and the Life Eaters  
**Author**- Paige and Erin  
**Rating**- pg-13 (violence, death and potty languege)  
**Summary**- Post HBP. Harry tries to start his last year ofschool by dropping out. The death eaters have decieded that eating life would be much more intimidating, zombies are roamingHogwart's hall, a slightlygreener than normal Dumbledore announces the first annual interhouse exchange program and just how many times can Harry die? A 7th year HP parody of slightly less than epic proportions.  
**Ships-** Erin ships H/R. Paige despises nearly all HP ships so by default, she either ignores them all, stays cannon, or tries to include them all.  
**Disclaimer**- Neither of us are JKR.  
**A message from Insane Troll Logic-** Hey folks. I'm here right now to warn you. This story is not to be taken seriously. It is actually best to be taken with healthy amounts of pure undiluted sugar while wearing those drunk goggles your driver's ed teacher makes you wear. In these pages, you will find, zombies, horcruxes, death eaters, life eaters, the first annual interhouse exchange program, and of course, Harry Potter: High School Dropout.

I'm writing this tag-team with a friend who does not have her own account on but sometimes mooches off mine. Her name is Erin, but we will call her Pyrowizzard because it sounds funnier (twenty points and a cookie to anyone who can explain the last part of her name). We spent exactly one day plotting This so the author's notes will be spaces where we bitch at each other about plotlines that grow and die between every chapter. Any characterization or plot errors are all her fault (sorry, pyro, but that's how it goes when I'm the one who wrote the first chapter P)

* * *

Chapter 1

The day Harry Potter turned seventeen was the day he officially became a high school dropout. He'd gotten the usual school letter with the usual plain brown owl and he sent it back with a short note:

_Busy destroying Voldemort  
__Can't make class.  
__Sorry,  
__**Harry Potter**_

On September first, the train for Hogwarts left without him.

And exactly three hours, forty two minutes and seventeen seconds later, the truant officer tracked him down.

One hour, twenty-seven minutes and twenty-two seconds after that, he was sulking at the Gryffindor house table as Herbert Zorgith was sorted into Hufflepuff.

"It was a good try, Harry," Hermione said, patting him on the arm in a spectacular display of subtext, "but maybe its best that we finish school. You know, dropouts are far more likely to get addicted to crack and become pregnant by the time they're twenty."

"Besides," Ron added, "my folks went mad when I said I would rather save the world than finish school. And then Ginny said she wanted to go with me and mom almost…" Ron laughed nervously, "Let's just say you're not mum's favorite person right now."

"That's unfortunate," Harry said sincerely and then spontaneously decided that he had been lacking in teenage angst and he moaned, "but it's for the best. Everyone I see as a parent dies horribly and painfully."

"If you see my mum as a parent," Ron said slowly, "Then why are you dating my sister?"

"We broke up!" Harry protested even as his heart swelled with desire for his beautiful, sisterly love.

"It's still incestuous," asserted Hermione, "I mean if you're taking it literally at least."

Their discussion was cut short by someone clearing their throat at the head table.

"Wonder who the new headmaster'll be," Seamus speculated from Ron's left as he looked curiously into the shadows of the high table.

The new headmaster who had previously been sitting in a particularly dark spot of a shroud of shadows stood up.

Several students gasped.

"That's just sick," said Ron, mouth agape.

"He looks just like Dumbledore," one of the third years said in wonder.

In fact, he looked very much like Dumbledore when you got past the fact that he seemed quite a bit greener. His normally immaculate white beards was faintly brown and caked with dirt. When he opened his mouth to speak, Harry could see a bit of skin flapping on his cheek.

"He's dead," said Harry melodramatically, "Snape killed him."

"Obviously not," Hermione sniffed, "as he's standing right there."

"Then he's a zombie," Harry asserted.

"Inferi," Hermione corrected absently.

"No, a zombie," Harry clenched his fists. How dare someone resurrect his mentor! Dead is dead! And they had left his shiny white beard in such disarray! It was evil! Criminal! Voldemort had crossed a lin… a flash of red hair caught his eye and as he caught sight of Ginny, all coherent thought left his brain… pretty Ginny…

"Welcome to Hogwarts!" possiblezombie!Dumbledore said haltingly, "I am your headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. Before our welcome feast, I would like to make a few announcements."

Ron leaned forward excitedly. "He doesn't talk like a zombie!"

"I am pleased to announce," droned possiblezombie!Dumbledore, "our first annual interhouse exchange program wherein our students will have a chance to learn about the unique culture of another house…"

"Ron," Harry hissed, "look at him. He's green."

"He doesn't look that much worse than last year," Ron protested, "his shriveled hand is still pretty sick, but…"

"As always, the Forbidden Forest is off limits to all students," possiblezombie!Dumbledore's left ear fell off.

"Alright," Ron paled. "You've might have a point."

"And finally," zombie!Dumbledore continued as if he still had all of his body parts, " I would like to announce that Professor Sirius Black is joining our staff for the year as the defense against the dark arts teacher."

Harry's head snapped up as a murmur began to sweep through the hall.

"Professor Black," zombie!Dumbledore continued in a monotone, "is recovering from his fifteen month brush with death."

"Fifteen months," Hermione repeated incredulously, "that's no brush."

Sirius stood up to wave at the assembled group, but his motions were slow and halting. He tried to smile, but it turned out as a grimace against green tinged skin.

Ron blanched, as a realization hit him. "Harry," he stammered, "you don't think that Sirius is a…"

"No," Harry cut in sharply.

"But he looks just like…"

"I don't care."

"But he's a…!"

"Shut up Ron," Harry said tersely, placing himself quite comfortably in that happy, happy state of denial. When Ron looked crestfallen, Harry tried to cheer him up. "Look at the bright side. It looks like you were right about Dumbledore."

"Yeah," said Ron slowly, "I was wasn't I?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Your ego needs an appalling amount of stroking."

Ron raised a suggestive eyebrow at Hermione. "Want to help me stroke?"

Harry turned away as his friends attempted to suck each other's tongues out . It was really a shame that he had broken up with Ginny, even though it was awfully noble of him…

Zombie!Dumbledore cleared his throat as the hubbub bubbled down. "I also regret to inform you that professor Slughorn has fled the country after an unfortunate incident involving a cricket, scrambled eggs and a kazoo. Professor Snape will be returning to his post as potions master."

An odd sort of silence swept over the great hall. Someone laughed, but was elbowed quickly in the side.

Some fourth year Hufflepuff asked, "Is he kidding?"

He wasn't.

Dumbledore had always been one of those odd folks who while he enjoyed a good joke, didn't tell them themselves. Zombie!Dumbledore was the same way, just a little slower.

The headmaster had a hand to his face, trying to keep a large chuck of his nose from falling off (this probably had something to do with the lie he was about to tell, but that could not be proven). "Professor Snape suffered a grave trauma last year," zombie!Dumbledore lied as a chuck of his nose fell to the table, "he was body jacked by Voldemort and forced to do works of unspeakable evil. Including Muggleacide, petty thievery, and Dumbledoreacide. The latter of which he did not succeed in." He smiled a grotesque smile. "Still he has returned to the position of potions master rather than defense teacher as a punishment for his attempted murder…" he paused, "and with that said, I encourage you to sit back and enjoy our welcome feast. Trof! Blibbit! Snork!"

Harry blinked. "Snape's evil," he said aloud, "he has to be."

Hermione casually grabbed a roll from the abundant feast that had been created through hours of unpaid house elf labor. Free the house elves! SPEW! S.P.E.W!

"Harry," said Hermione plaintively, "why does Snape have to be evil?"

Harry crossed his arms and sunk back in his seat. "Because I don't like him."

Ron grinned, mouthful of food. "Good reason."

Harry on the other hand, didn't think it was funny. He glared at his two friends before looking at the teacher's table.

Snape was glaring at him. That evil death glare that was reserved for Harry and Harry alone. Somehow, the amount of loathing in that death glare had increased and therefore the death glare had increase in power.

In fact, it had graduated from a metaphorical death glare to a literal death glare.

And as Snape glared, Harry panicked, clutched his throat, tried to scream and collapsed, dead, into his bowl of soup.

* * *

**A message from Pyrowizzard**

Paige! What's wrong with you? Harry's not supposed to die until… uh I mean oops? But seriously, I know you hate Harry, but this means I have to bring him back from the dead and that's just plain unrealistic. Oh well, I should probably get used to it… This is going to happen a lot isn't it?

Anyway, Pyrowizzard here to say that the next chapter will be up momentarily… as soon as someone types it up… which shouldn't be too long. No more than a month for sure… I hope. Well I hope you all enjoyed that installment! I know I did, so keep reading to find out what happens next, believe me, you will probably enjoy it much more than this chapter because ITL is a stupid head. P. Until next time, don't plagerize and look both ways before you cross the street!


	2. Chapter the Second

_Hey, hey! My chapter here! Shout out to JKR for actually thinking this up. I know this took forever, but in my defense, it's been done for a long time now… go for it!_

_-PyroWizzard_

**_Chapter the Second_**

Harry woke to find himself sprawled out on the floor, staring up into the two anxious faces of Ron and Hermione.

"Hey, Harry," Ron piped up. "You died, mate!"

Harry blinked, so he had.

"Brilliant observation, Ron." Hermione rolled her eyes as the sarcasm flew over Ron's head like a pretty birdie. Harry slowly pushed himself off the cold, stone floor and sank down on the bench next to Ron. The noise of the grand hall buzzed around them. The school had gotten so used to Harry's occasional fainting spells and various premonitions that no one had even bothered to look up when he had fallen off the bench.

Harry rubbed the back of his head where it had hit the floor and surveyed the banquet spread out down the table in front of him. He turned to look at Ron and Hermione. "Wait a minute, if I died, then how am I still, well, alive?"

Hermione shrugged dismissively. "I had a spell from Hogwarts: a History. It's specifically designed for death by lethal glares. Honestly you two, when are you going to read that book?"

Ron butted in, "When you stop nagging us about it. Pass the chicken, will you?" Hermione sighed and dutifully handed it over.

"Hermione," Harry asked, "since when has that book taught dark magic?"

"Only since the fourth edition."

Harry shook his head and turned to find where the potatoes had gotten to and found himself face to face with a furious Draco Malfoy who was… sitting at the Gryffindor table.

"You!" Harry spat as Ron glanced over his shoulder. "What are you doing here, you prat! Shove off!"

Draco scowled. "Believe me, Potter, this is the last place I want to be. When my father hears about this…" He viciously stabbed a kidney bean with his fork. It went squish.

"Yeah, but what are you doing at our table," Ron growled.

Hermione cleared her throat. "Well, if you had listened to Dumbledore's speech." She

"You mean, Zombie!Dumbledore," interrupted Ron.

"Inferi," Hermione corrected absently before continuing, "The point is, if you had been listening to his speech instead of dying." She glared pointedly at Harry. "You would have heard all about the Interhouse Exchange Program. A new ingenious way to learn about the cultures and customs of other houses." Draco scowled, sinking down farther into his seat.

"Well then," Ron started, "if we're stuck with this twat, then who'd we lose?"

Harry looked around. "Where's Neville?"

They all turned one by one to the Slytherin table where their eyes were immediately drawn to a gap surrounding one of the Slytherins. It was Neville. He'd sank down so far in his seat that only his face could be seen, hunkered down over his empty plate. The area surrounding him was dead silent as the Slytherins glared at him with unfriendly eyes. Neville gulped.

* * *

The rest of the Great Feast passed without incident (unless you count the part where Draco's hair caught fire as an incident) and soon, the full, sleep students began to make their way to their respective dormitories; the Gryffindors followed by a grumbling, miserable Malfoy. As they walked, Harry, Hermione and Ron pulled together in a small group and began to whisper amongst themselves.

"So Harry," Hermione began, "now that you're back in school, what are you going to do about V-Vol-Volde-Voldemort?"

Harry shrugged. "Well I reckon I can't let school get in the way of saving the wizarding world. I need to destroy Voldemort and that means leaving school if I have to. Besides what with Dumbledore being a zombie and all, it'd probably be really easy."

"But what about your classes? And our tests?" Hermione squawked. " I hear we might be having midterms this year!"

"Oh Hermione," Ron interjected. "Some things are more important. Especially when they're during potions. I'm with you, Harry."

"Thanks Ron." In Harry's head, he mentally crossed out the find-comic-relief box on his to do list.

The Gryffindors all finally found themselves at the portrait of the fat lady when they realized that none of them knew the password. Hermione pulled a note out of the pocket of her robes. She cleared her throat, and in a clear, loud voice, she called out, "Swordfish!"

"Welcome back, dears." The Fat Lady swung ponderously on her frame and the group of Gryffindors began climbing into the common room. As Harry entered the familiar, cozy room, he noticed a suspicious lack of a person behind him. He turned to see Draco standing resolutely outside the common room with a look of disgust on his face.

"That's it," he began, "I refuse to spend one night in this filthy house with mudbloods and idiots."

"Fine then," Harry retorted, "we don't want you, you can sleep outside."

Draco looked up and down the empty hallway and with an audible sigh, he stepped over the threshold.

"Finally," grumbled the Fat Lady, swinging shut, "I though you were going to take all night!"

Hermione snorted at Malfoy's obvious discomfort and after giving Ron a quick kiss, made her way to the 7th year girl's dormitory.

Ron sighed wistfully as he watched her go. "Shame there's all those protection spells around the dorms." Harry glanced at Ron. "What? I'm just saying, now that we're steady, well, you know…."

Harry nodded. "Right. Just like I did with your sister."

"Oy! That's not funny, Harry." Ron's face was the color of the carpet on the stairs. Joking and laughing, they climbed the stairs to their new dormitory and after a quick hello to their classmates, they pulled on their pajamas and went to bed.

* * *

_Dear Pyro,  
__Come on, we all know when someone falls forward onto soup, they don't wake up on their back.  
__Sincerely,  
__-ITL_


	3. Chapter the Third

_Dear Readers,  
__I write Hagird speak like he's drunk when he's really just got a horrible accent with too many apostrophies. And I'm sorry.  
__-ITL_

_**Chapter the Third**_

Harry hated school. He'd come to the decision immediately following breakfast that morning when the 7th years had received their class times. The 7th year class work was crazy hard. Not like 5th year hard, or God, even 6th year hard. This was nastily exhausting 7th year hard.

Harry looked at his schedule in horror. "This allows no time for Voldemort killing!"

"This allows no time for studying!" moaned Hermione.

"Quidditch!" moaned Ron.

Draco glowered at them. "I'm going to kill you all."

"That's a good one, mate." Ron laughed and put a slashy arm on his shoulder (omg! THE SUBTEXT!)

Draco shoved the arm off, (still totally in denial about his eternal love for Ron), disgusted "Great, now I have to go burn my robes."

Hormone looked up from her schedule. "Good. Your house robes are still the Slytherin ones. Interhouse Exchange rules mandate that visiting students must wear the robes of the house in which they reside. In your case, Draco, that's Gryffindor."

Ron, mouthful of biscuit, said, "OK, I know Dumbledore didn't go into that much detail."

Hormone raised an eyebrow. "It's in Hogwarts: a History."

"It can't be," Harry said distantly as he plotted ways to escape Hogwarts so that he could defeat Voldemort, thus fulfilling his destiny and saving the world. Thus winning him lots of fan girls and, of course, Ginny. "'Mione, this is the _first _annual Interhouse Exchange Program. It can't possibly be in Hogwarts: a History. There's not enough time."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Hogwarts: a History knows no bounds."

"NEWTs potions first," Ron observed inanely, "with Snape back, that promises to be educational."

Draco scowled.

Harry shook his head. "You can tell me all about it." He looked pointedly at his book bag that was bulging and filled to the brim.

"How many classes are you taking this year?" Ron breathed, "You look like you're pulling a Hermione. You know, with the tim…"

Hermione elbowed him in the ribs. "Harry, you can't be serious. You're leaving school now? It's day one! Do you have any idea how much you'll miss?"

"What about Hermione and the classes?" Draco asked with faux innocence. "I love potential blackmail."

"I have to leave," Harry said firmly. "They can have me dragged me back to school, but they can't keep me here!" With that, he stood up, slung his bag over his shoulder and marched out the main entrance.

Draco's voice followed him out. "Since when is Potter allowed to have swords on school property? Someone expel him! Please!"

* * *

Harry had told his friends that they couldn't keep him at Hogwarts and, if he had tried to exercise any quantity of stealth, he was probably correct. He had the Marauder's Map in his pocket, and the invisibility cloak in his bag. 

But he didn't use either.

Harry Potter marched straight out the main doors of Hogwarts in plain view of both students and teachers after rather loudly announcing that he planned to skip out of school.

And this was the person who, until quite recently, had foiled Voldemort's every plan. This was the person who supposedly carried the wizarding world's hope of survival on his shoulders.

It was a miracle they'd survived this long.

Hagrid caught Harry before he even made it to the gates. "First, you go an' drop me class, 'Arry, an' now yer going to leave school? You know what sort of trouble tha' gets you?"

"I must destroy Voldemort," Herry said tersely.

"Like hell," grumbled Hagrid as he picked the struggling Harry clean off the ground and started moving towards the castle. "An' don't you go sayin' that name. People like the Order an' yer godfather an' the headmaster will fight while you get yer schoolin'. You can destroy Voldemort when you graduate."

Harry struggled, but his feet weren't even close to ground level. "But I wanna banish the evil_ now!_" he whined, "_Haaagrid!_"

"If you go an' drop outta school, yer likely to end up pregnant and crack addled before yer 18."

"But Voldemort!"

"You-know-oo will still be there when you've graduated." Hagrid grumbled, tossing Harry over his shoulder and lumbering back into the castle. "Now you should get on ta yer class. Yer late as it is."

* * *

"Mr. Potter," sneered Snape as Harry ambled into class, a full twenty minutes late. "Twenty points from Gryffindor. My, we sure are not starting the year off well, are we?" 

He sat at the table with Ron, Hermione and Malfoy. The former two were scowling deeply while the later beamed. "Draco's already lost us 70 points," Ron informed Harry.

"What?" Harry hissed back, "He's a Slytherin!"

Hermione leaned forwards. "With the Interhouse Exchange Program, he is technically a full member of the Gryffindor house for the entirety of the year."

"Five points from Gryffindor for you incessant chatter," Snape said smoothly. "Now who can tell me what one would use the drought of the zombie for?"

Draco raised his hand high.

"Yes, Mr. Malfoy."

"It makes turtles lay chicken eggs, sir."

"What a perfectly nonsensical answer, Mr. Malfoy. I expect better from a student of your caliber," Snape's voice was serious, but his eyes were shining. "Ten points from Gryffindor."

Draco sank back in his seat, grinning broadly.

"The Drought of the Zombie is used by a zombie master in order to instill absolute obedience in his army of the undead. The ingredients are on your table. The recipe is on page 479 of your books. You have an hour and a half. At the end of this time, I will be testing a random person's potion on a random person. Everyone is to make their own potion.

Harry opened his textbook only to see one of the most complicated potions in existence. Muertaweed, corpsepind, eye of rotted newt… He groaned and wished he hadn't burned Snape's old potion book. It had made him feel better, but now he was wishing he would have sucked it up and kept the book. It was a free ticket to a high grade.

"What color do you reckon is 'skin of rotten corpse'?" Ron asked helplessly.

"I reckon it's a sort of shade of puke green," Harry answered, confused. "I've never seen rotten corpse skin."

One hour and thirty minutes later, Harry was staring at a hot pink potion. While he'd never seen rotten corpses, he figured the potion should have been greenish. Ron hadn't faired much better than him. His potion was purple. It wasn't pretty.

Only Hermione had a successful potion, the color of zombie!Dumbledore's skin. Snape looked at it. "We will be testing Ms. Granger's potion on Mr. Potter." He filled Harry a goblet. "Now, if the potion was brewed incorrectly, it will acquire the poisonous properties of arsenic."

Harry was grinning at his incredible stroke of luck as he accepted the goblet from the potion's master and brought it to his lips for a drink.

"If she has performed it correctly, Mr. Potter will die an instantaneous, painless death."

Harry choked on the potion, but he'd already swallowed almost all of it.

The last thing he heard was Hermione's voice. "But shouldn't this be given to an actual zom…"

And then, darkness.

END

* * *

_Dear Readers,  
__I have killed Harry again. I am not sorry. Pyrowizzard has this ridiculous idea that Harry's the main character and he can't die. She keeps trying to resurrect him and it's annoying. On the bright side, we're on chapter seven and up to four is edited. Hopefully this means another update soonish.  
__-ITL_


	4. Chapter the Fourth

_Dear Readers,  
Pyro's supposed to write a note for her chapter, but I guess she forgot. Don't angry with her.  
-ITL_

_**Chapter the fourth**_

Harry slowly opened his eyes to find what seemed to be the entire potions class looking down on him. Snape growled angrily, "So it seems Mr. Potter has survived after all, class." He whipped around to glare at the collective mass. "I want three feet on inferi and the most infamous inferi masters due next class." With that, he stalked to the door.

Harry shakily climbed to his feet.

"But I don't understand," he muttered, "how did I survive this time?"

Ron grinned broadly. "That was me. I shoved a beozar down your throat. I always carry one with me now, you know, just in case."

Harry nodded and began gathering his books together. "Come on, if we hurry, we can get to Defense Against the Dark Arts early." He tossed his books into his bag and bolted out the door. Ron and Hermione raced into the dark dungeon hallways. Harry was already halfway up the stairs to the upper floors.

Hermione, who was taking the stairs two at a time called, "Harry! For goodness sakes, slow down!"

Harry paused at the top of the stairs and turned to look at them as though he'd forgotten they were even there. He waited impatiently for them to catch up and then took off speeding down the hall.

"Why do you want to get to class so early," Ron panted, "It's just Defense Against the Dark Arts and you're practically a master already.

"Ron," Hermione hissed. "Isn't it obvious?"

Ron gave her a blank stare.

Hermione shot a glance at Harry before whispering, "You know… Sirius?"

"What, because he's a zombie?"

"Inferi."

"HE'S NOT A ZOMBIE!"

The rest of the sprint to the 2nd floor classroom was spent in silence

* * *

A few minutes later, the trio entered the disappointingly empty classroom and quickly grabbed three desk at the very front. The rest of the class slowly trickled in, but there was no sign of Sirius. 

Everyone was settled in their seats and, precisely on time, the door connecting the classroom to the professor's office sprang open revealing… a neat well groomed Sirius Black who, despite his green-gray pallor actually looked much better than he had in life.

"Hello everyone!" He beamed. "Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts! I'm your new professor, Sirius Black!" He smiled happily, glad to have abused exclamation marks. "Now, I'll be calling attendance, so please speak up if your name is called!"

As he ducked back into the office to collect the registry, Ron leaned over Harry's desk and muttered. "What's that all about, then? He's acting funny."

Harry glared at him, but before he could say a thing, a shadow passed over him and he looked up into the face of his godfather. Sirius was still smiling faintly, even as one of his ears fell off and hit Harry's desk with a faint splat. Harry absentmindedly picked it up and handed it back to Sirius. Sirius's face split into a wide grin. "It's good to see you again, Harry, my lad. Perhaps you could stay after a bit for a nice chat?" Harry nodded numbly.

Ron and Hermione exchanged nervous glances, neither of them had ever heard Sirius use the phrase, "a nice chat" or call Harry, "My lad". The lapse in characterization was deeply shocking.

Sirius, or more precisely zombie!Professor!Black swiftly went down the roll and upon reaching the end, he instructed his class to put away those dusty old books and take out their wands for some practical charms practice.

Zombie!Sirius took out his wand (which was splintered and had bits of mold growing on the end) and happily said, "Now students! Today we are going to learn the levitation charm!"

Someone from the back of the room (it sounded suspiciously like Malfoy) shouted, "We know that one already!" The class grumbled its assent.

Sirius didn't look put down at all. "Ah! You only think you know it!"

Malfoy shouted again, "No, you thick-headed zombie! We know it! It's wingardium leviosa!"

Zombie!Sirius smiled for a change and gently answered. "First of all, Inferi and second, that form of levitation is all wrong."

At this Ron burst out, "But it _works_! Even Neville's been using it since first year!" The class began grumbling again. Sirius's smile faded a little.

"Fine then. If that's how you all feel, you can get those text books back out and read about levitation! If you don't finish it, it's homework." He pouted. "I'm going to go over here and cry."

The rest of the class was spent pouring through the textbook until, _finally,_ it was time to leave. Hermione and Ron watched Harry pack up.

Hermione started, "Harry…" she shot a nervous glance towards Ron. "We don't thing you should stay after class with Sirius."

Harry looked at her sharply. "Why not?"

"Well," Hermione replied, "didn't he seem to be acting a little… oddly?"

"His _ear fell off_, mate," Ron interjected.

"Look, why don't you get it!" Harry cried, "He's not a zombie."

"Inferi."

"Shut up!" Harry snapped, "It's just Sirius and he's back and why can't you two just accept that!" He gave them one last glare before stomping off into Sirius's office. The lasting they heard before the door slammed shut was Harry saying, "Hello Sirius! What is the right way to cast a levitation charm?"

_

* * *

Dear Pyro,  
__In your first draft, you spelled three with three 'E's. That is all.  
__-ITL_

_**oops  
**__**--Pyro**_

_Dear Readers,  
See how articulate she is? This is why our chapters come so slowly...  
-ITL_


	5. Chapter the Fifth

_Dear Readers,_

_We're totally NOT DEAD. Just, you know in the middle of our senior year of high-school. Also the notebook was kind of buried in the depths of my locker and is now ruined beyond all repair. RIP, notebook, RIP._

_-ITL_

* * *

_**Chapter the Fifth**_

By dinner, it seemed that Hermione had denounced both Harry and Ron and begun talking with Malfoy. Harry prodded at his food, pointedly ignoring Sirius's finger which had fallen onto his plate when the corpsified professor had stopped to say hello.

"That's unsanitary, mate," Ron said, wrinkling his nose in disgust. "You have no idea where that's been. This is Sirius's finger we're talking about."

"What finger?" Harry asked, looking at his place in honest confusion.

Ron hesitantly plucked the pinky from Harry's plate. "I guess I'll get this back to Professor Black."

Harry looked up eagerly. "Oh, I can give it to him. I'm going to stop by his office before curfew. What is it?"

Ron groaned, wrapped it in his napkin and handed it back to Harry with a reserved smile. "You're taking this denial thing way too far."

Harry's eyes were alight with genuine confusion. "What denial thing?"

Ron gave up. "Why do you reckon Hermione's talking to Malfoy?"

"Looking for a new boyfriend," Harry deadpanned and then smiled at his friend's expression.

"What?" Ron choked, voice strangled.

"Relax," Harry soothed, "I'm joking. I haven't got a clue as to why she's talking to him."

"But you think it could be flirting?" Ron was panicking. "It can't be flirting! She's going out with me, Ron, not Draco with his bad boy charm and smoldering good looks, she's going out with me!"

"I'm sure there's no flirting," Harry said, a faintly amused grin on his face.

"How can you possibly know that?!?!? Oh God, I've got to stop him before he starts making hot monkey love to my girlfriend!!"

Harry blinked as Ron made his way to Malfoy's side and put his hands around his throat. Harry briefly considered breaking up the fight, but then he remembered that Malfoy was bottom-feeding scum that didn't deserve to live, so he turned back to his place and finished his potatoes.

When he'd cleaned his plate he glanced back over to the fight, saw that Ron was winning, smiled faintly and sauntered out of the hall.

In the great hall, he had to pause as someone came sprinting down the hallway, nearly knocked him over and kept running. He squinted after the figure. "Neville?"

He got no answer so he shrugged and turned to the opposite direction where there were twenty or so Slytherins standing there with pitchforks and torches. They stared at Harry for a long moment and then continued on down the hall in the same direction as whoever had sprinted away.

"They've been through five times already," a voice called. Harry glanced to the staircase where a fifth year Hufflepuff was sitting and munching on a bag of popcorn.

"What are they doing?" Harry asked in confusion.

The Hufflepuff shrugged and said, "Interhouse Exchange Program," as if it explained everything.

* * *

The Dark Lord's evil lair was dark, evil, sinister and filled with henchmen and lackeys that unfortunately, had quit their day jobs to become full-time bringers of doom. This would have been well and good if it didn't leave them hours of doom-free time in the brightness of the day. Needless to say, it got pretty dull.

"I'm bored," said Death Eater 1 petulantly

Death Eater 2 looked up from his newspaper. "Why don't you go torture the muggle?"

Death Eater 1 looked over to the muggle in the corner cage and let their lip curl a little under their mask. "He's unconscious. They're no fun unless they scream."

"So torture the ministry official!"

"Someone accidentally made him crazy," complained Death Eater1. "We had to kill him yesterday. There's nothing to do!" And then, suddenly, an idea occurred to him. He knew what villains did in those contraband muggle movies. "Want to have sex?"

Death Eater 2 lowered their paper. "We're required to wear masks at all times and robes tend to be baggy and in ally honesty, your voice could go either way. I'm not looking for that sort of adventure."

Death Eater 1's body slumped. "Shucks. I guess I stay bored, huh?"

"A Death Eater should always be able to amuse themselves with their dastardly deeds. It's in the recruitment brochures."

"Why are we called Death Eaters anyway?" Death Eater 1 asked. "I mean, couldn't eating death be interpreted as a positive thing? No one wants to die."

Death Eater 2 shrugged. "It's propaganda. It doesn't need to make sense."

"I mean," continued Death Eater 1, "eating life would be so much more intimidating. If I ate your death, you would live, but if I ate your life, you would die. The whole thing's a misnomer. We should be called the Life Eaters. It would be much more intimidating."

Death Eater 2 opened his mouth to say that was stupid, but then he paused because, when he thought about it, it wasn't stupid. "You've got a point," he admitted grudgingly.

Peter Pettigrew walked into the room and Death Eater 1 was quick to involve him in their argument. Death Eater 2 watched his face contort in thought. Pettigrew nodded twice and said, "I'll pass that thought along to the Dark Lord."

He left and the two remaining Death Eaters exchanged shocked looks. "Shit," said Death Eater 2. "I think that idiot took you seriously."

A smile formed behind Death Eater 1's mask. "You know, the title Dark Lord is equally ridiculous."

Death Eater 2 glared in his direction. "If you say another word, I will kill you."

And he meant it too. He was evil. That was the kind of shit they were allowed to do.

* * *

Outside the Defense Against the Dark Arts room, two third years were attempting to levitate a quill and were having no success. "_Floatis!_" the taller one cried. "C'mon, _floatis_!"

His friend seemed to be stifling laughter. "Maybe you should be listening to Professor Flitwick instead of Professor Black…"

"Dude, Black survived a fifteen month brush with death, I'll take his word over Flitwick's any day."

"Try again!"

Harry rolled his eyes and pushed himself into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. Sirius was sitting at his desk and drinking something that looked suspiciously like Snape's Zombie Drought. But being in denial, Harry did not notice.

Zombie!Sirius looked up, grinning oafishly. "Harry, my boy! What brings you here?"

Sirius's inconsistent characterization gave Harry pause, but he quickly dismissed it. "So you're channeling Professor Lupin now?"

There was a slight delay before the laughter. "I never thought I'd end up as a teacher. James would never forgive me."

For a brief second, Harry's eyes welled up with tears of orphan!angst, but undead!godfather!joy overruled it. He looked at the steaming potion on zombie!Sirius's desk. "What's that?" he asked curiously, covering up him momentary woe.

Zombie!Sirius followed his gaze to the desk, eyebrow falling off in his panic. "My death cheating potion!" he cried.

"Sounds useful," said Harry, grabbing for it. "I'm going on a Horcrux finding journey. This would be loads of help. Mind if I have a sip?"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" zombie!Sirius cried, jumping on the table and snatching the potion from Harry's arms (because, you know, it would be cheating to have the same death scene twice). A tooth fell into the glass, splashing some of the liquid into Harry's face. Harry blinked.

"You need to see a dentist. That was just unsanitary."

Zombie!Sirius grinned, grasping the potionand turning his back to Harry. "Excuse me for a second. I will be with you shortly."

Harry shrugged and sat down. A book of zombie!Sirius's desk was open to the page on Zombies (Inferi!). Remembering the potion from Snape's class, he picked it up and read a few random lines.

_The skin should have a sickly green paller_

_Behavior changes to how the zombie master had percieved the zombie in life. _

_Body parts have the pesky tendency to detatch but can easily be reattached with a muggle contraption called a hot glue gun._

"Harry!" Sirius said jauntily. Or maybe he only looked jaunty because of a poor reattachment of his eyebrows. "What's this you say about Horcruxes?"

Harry's sense of self preservation was warring with his denial and in his head he debated on wheither or not to tell Sirius everything. His self presevation lost the battle. Big time.

"I think I know where Voldemort's soul part 4 is…"

* * *

Pettigrew was on his knees before Voldemort. (No, not like that, you pervert!) "Master! I have been hearing dissent in the ranks about the name _Death Eaters._"

Voldemort attempted to give him a death glare, but sadly, Peter Pettigrew just wouldn't die. Snape's death glares were far better than Voldemort's. "Wormtail, I honestly don't give a damn. How many muggles have you killed today? You really need to consistantly make your quota of evil or else, I will have to kill you."

Peter's sense of self preservation was an even bigger wimp than Harry's. "But, my lord, they make a very convincing argument. Have you realized that eating death could be interpreted as a positive thing? Eating life would be far more intimidating."

Voldemort glanced from side to side and weighed his options. Anamagi were useful, but the other side already knew of Wormtail's rat-form and had probably put up mouse traps everywhere to catch him. And he wouldn't shut up. Voldemort narrowed his eyes and leveled his wand on the babbling rat. "DIE INFIDEL!"

And then there was a smoking pile of charred dust right where Peter Pettigrew had been.

"Life Eaters," mused Voldemort and turned to the henchmen at his side. "Contact my PR person. We are going to have a little name change."

* * *

The seventh year Gryffindor's dormatory was silent save five boys snoring in their beds. Draco Malfoy stood in the doorway staring at them. Harry slept with a knife on his nightstand, Draco noticed. He suddenly found himself holding it. It was such a shiny, pointy knife.

Harry's exposed neck was practically screaming, 'SLICE ME!!!!!!'

And Draco was a slave to the whims of Harry's neck, so he pressed the shiny, pointy blade to his jugular. Harry was done for before he even realized what had happened. His eyes opened wide and he gurgled in surprise.

Draco shuddered unapologetically and sneered, "Like you didn't see this coming…."

* * *

_Dear Readers,_

_This chapter had plot. Aren't you proud? It might be a bit hard to notice, but I promise, it was there… Then again it's been so long since we updated, I'm not even sure we remember this 'plot'…Also, DEAD HARRY!!! YAY!!! ( you can tell I wrote this chapter, huh?)  
_

_-ITL_


	6. Chapter the Sixth

_Dear Readers, _

_Here, I apologize for the lateness of this most recent entry. I was taking some time off to reread my way through the HP series. I promise that this story is reaching its climax and the next few chapters will be well worth the wait. Once again, my apologies and keep reading!_

_-Pyro Wizzard_

* * *

**_Chapter the Sixth_**

Harry woke from an unusual nightmare involving Voldemort slapping him in the face with a fish at about 6:30 in the morning. Ron was just slipping into his school robes.

"Hey, Harry, how'd you sleep?"

"Not too bad." Harry put on his glasses and struggled to keep the all-consuming ANGST AND WOE from his voice. "What about you.?"

"Well, actually, we all had to get up late last night because of Draco."

Harry rolled his eyes and began pulling off his pajamas. "What did that sod try to do _this _time?"

"He was trying to cut your throat, mate. Luckily, he was using one of Fred and George's bewitched knives and it kept turning to rubber whenever it touched anything."

"What? You've got to be kidding." Harry gathered up his book bag and followed Ron to the door.

"Nope. I even feel a bit sorry for him. He was so upset, we had to sit with him in the common room for an hour before he stopped crying."

In the common room (blissfully empty of any sign of Draco Malfoy) the two boys met up with Hermione and all three headed off to breakfast. In the Great Hall, they crowded together at the abandoned end of the Gryffindor table. "Right," Harry began. "You know we have to stop Voldemort by destroying all his horcruxes. Well, I've finally got us a way out of school and into Hogsmeade tonight."

"Oh, that's brilliant Harry. How?" Hermione asked.

"Professor Black gave me a free one day pass to Hogsmeade so I could buy some ingredients for his daily potion."

"Oh," say Ron, "the zombie thing."

"Inferi," corrected Hermione.

Harry, rather spectacularly, failed to hear her. "Anyway, I reckon we start looking around for any sign of Voldemort and the next horcrux."

Ron's brow wrinkled in confusion. "Wait, I thought we didn't know what his horcruxes were? I mean, wasn't that supposed to be the whole plot of this book?"

Harry and Hermione shook their heads sadly at his ignorance.

"Ron," Hermione said slowly, "remember that Dumbledore told Harry that it was the snake?"

Rob's brow crinkled again. "What snake?"

"The great bloody snake that's always with Voldemort! Named Nagini. It's only been around for three years or so!" Harry rubbed his forehead. "Anyway, I thought I'd, you know, ask around about it. To other snakes… like you know…" He shifted in embarrassment.

Hermione patted him on the arm.

"That sounds like a wonderful idea, Harry."

* * *

_Four hours and twenty seven minutes later…_

Hermione and Ron sat on a fallen tree trunk in the woods near the shrieking shack. Harry was a little ways away, crouching down as though he were looking at something on the ground. Ron yawned, stretched and draped his arm across Hermione's shoulder.

"I wish he'd hurry up. He knows I have quidditch practice to get to."

"Oh Ron, I'm sure he's doing the best he can. We've just seemed to hit a bit of a dead end."

Ron sighed. "At least we got all the stuff for Sirius's zombie juice so coming out here wasn't a complete waste of time."

"Inferi," Hermione corrected automatically.

"He's not a zombie!"

"Oh, Harry." Hermione twisted around to see him. "Did you find anything?"

"Yeah, there's this magical snake at the pet shop, _Ssssarrg_… uh, sorry, it translates to something like Fat Horace. Anyway, apparently he'd escaped for a while and made contact with Nagini so I think the pet store's our next stop."

* * *

_Tinkle._

Hello there, can I help you?" The overly cheery manager of the store stopped pricing owl cages long enough to flash them a huge, fake smile.

"No thanks, we're just looking around."

"Well, if you need _anything_…" He grinned again, then whipped back around and returned to pricing cages.

"Come on Harry." Hermione grabbed Ron by the hand and lead them both to the back of the store which was lined with glass walled aquariums.

Hermione and Ron hung back in the aisle and Harry stepped up to the cages.

"_Ssargath ssussrex?"_ Harry said. _Which one of you is Fat Horace?_

"Sssssssssssssssssss," said the snake. _That one._

Harry stepped over to where a huge Burmese Python lay basking in the rays of a heat lamp.

"_Fat Horace,"_ Harry hissed.

"_Yeah, what's it to you?"_

Harry crouched down until his face was level with the snake.

"_I have a few questions for you"_

"_Oh yeah? Well what's in it for me?"_

"_Uh, what?"_

"_I know what you're after and where to get it, but you, Harry Potter, are going to have to help me first."_

"_With what? What do you want?"_

"_Well, I'm in quite a predicament here, (out of no fault of my own) being falsely imprisoned in this tank. Here, you bust me out and I'll take you to Nagini, that fine piece of scale."_

"_But you're huge! How am I supposed to get you out of here?"_

"_Not my problem, buddy-boy. You're the one of the wizardly inclination. Figure something out."_

The snake relaxed again and returned its full attention to sun bathing. Harry sat back, astonished. How was he supposed to figure out something like that? That would need cunning and… "Hermione! I need your help!"

Twenty minutes later, Harry, Ron and Hermione wondered nonchalantly out of the store, holding the door open for a few seconds longer than was necessary.

After they had gone a safe distance from the store, they ducked into an alley. Hermione pointed her wand at a patch of noting on the ground. "_Reapparo._"

Where there had been empty air moments before, there was now a fifteen foot snake. Harry knelt down next to the snake. _"OK Fat Horace, your side of the deal. Where is Nagini?"_

* * *

_Dear Readers,_

_Believe it or not, we are currently two chapters ahead of what's posted. That's the last time I ever give Pyro the notebook before I transcribe what's in it._

_-ITL_


	7. Chapter the Seventh

_Dear Satus Dee,  
Pyrowizzard is indeed a Rincewind reference. Gold star and and twenty points to you! Must tell Pyro. She will be so proud.  
-ITL_

_** ITL would also like to issue a WARNING on this chapter for... of forget it, you'll figure it out.**  
_

* * *

_**Chapter the Seventh**_

It was a stupid plan. Quite possibly the stupidest plan they had ever tried. "This is a stupid plan," Ron said. "Pretty much they stupidest plan we've ever tried. And we did try to take down a troll that one time and then there was the flying car debacle and then…"

Harry cut him off. "Those don't count. Hermione wasn't there. None of the plans we've made with Hermione have been stupid."

"This is a stupid plan," Hermione confirmed.

"Fat Horace agrees with me."

"_I just wanted out of the cage. I NEVER agreed to pull a fast one on the Dark Lord. I thank you for your help and all but…"_

Harry kicked the snake and hissed, _"You'll do it or all Hogwarts will be eating snake tonight."_

"_You wouldn't…"_

"_Oh, try me." _Harry smiled brightly and turned to Ron and Hermione. "Fat Horace is up for it."

"Fat Horace is suicidal then," said Ron. "I wouldn't willingly enter a room with Voldemort much less swap places with his favorite pet. When that guy gets angry, death is just about your best option."

"_I hate you hero-types. Got no qualms about sacrificing pathetic little animals to your cause."_

"_I only protect puppies, bunnies and Christmas."_

"_I don't even look like Voldemort's freaking snake."_ Fat Horace protested. _"For one, she's female and a rather fine looking one at that…"_

"_She's Voldemort's soul incarnate." _Harry snapped. _"That's just gross."_

"_Hey, snakes have needs."_

"_I am not having this conversation with a reptile."_

"Hey Harry," Ron said. "This talking to the snake in snake language this is all well and good, but you know we've got better stuff to do."

"Like what?" Harry asked. "Nothing big will happen before May. You know Voldemort never does anything first semester."

"You know," Ron said uncomfortably. "Plot stuff. You need to find a horcrux before everyone stops paying attention to us."

"Right," Harry said. "Plot."

"_I hate you all,"_ said Fat Horace.

* * *

After Hermione threatened to beat Draco up, he told them the path to the Dark Lord's evil lair. He also said they were stupid pea-brained idiots and quite possibly suicidal for wanting to attack the Dark Lord in the first place. 

"I thought you wanted me dead," Harry said. "I am, after all, your arch-nemesis."

"Maybe," said Draco, leaning closer for a moment, "I was only jealous."

Harry's glasses sparkled in the torchlight and Draco's pale blond hair shined with an incandescent glow. Harry could hear Draco's slightly erratic breathing and he leaned towards him, drawn by (omg!) the _subtext_ and then Draco's hands shot to Harry's neck in a violent effort to strangle him. Harry's eyes were bugging out, face blue from strangulation. The line between love and loathing was oh-so-very fine.

Unfortunately, since it was not the end of the chapter yet, Hermione intervened before Harry got too brain damaged.

"C'mon," she said, handing him his firebolt. "We've got plot to do."

Harry nodded once and they ran off, leaving Draco alone and confused.

* * *

Ron had a problem. They were flying to Voldemort's top secret lair in the middle of the night in order to implement the world!stupidest!plan and hopefully steal part of Voldemort's soul. 

And Fat Horace was riding with him.

That's right folks, it was Snakes! On a Broom.

Fat Horace shifted his weight and Ron nearly lost control of his broom, only narrowly avoiding a weather balloon.

"That's it!" Ron screamed. "I've had it with this motherfu—"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence, Ronald," Hermione called sharply. "You're not Samuel L. Jackson and these books are supposed to be children friendly."

"But the slashers got their moment last scene!" Ron protested. "Why don't I get my cussing?"

"Because Ronald," Hermione explained, "you are not Samuel L. Jackson."

"Bollocks," Ron said.

"We're here," said Harry.

* * *

Their plan was as simple as it was moronic. 

"Explain this to me again," Hermione said.

"'Mione, it's not terribly difficult," Ron said.

"I know, it's just every time I hear it, it sounds so idiotic that I'm sure I must've missed something."

"It's like this," Harry said, shoving Fat Horace into Hermione's arms. "I'm going to go to the front door and ask if Voldemort wants to duel. He's going to come out to that king of all baits and his snake will follow close behind. So while I distract him, you swap out Nagini with Fat Horace and make a quick getaway."

"But," Hermione said slowly, "won't that leave you alone with Voldemort and about two hundred Death Eaters?"

"Don't worry," said Harry. "I have a plan. It's practically foolproof. I'll be fine."

"You sure about this, mate?" Ron asked. "I mean, you have already died three times this story. I think someone might have it in for you."

"_I hope Voldemort peels every inch of skin from your body and boils you in a vat of your own blood,"_ Fat Horace said. _"If I hadn't been defanged, I'd have done it myself. No wonder Insane Troll Logic has it in for you."_

"Oh, whatever," said Harry. "Let's just shut up and implement the plan already."

So they did. Ron, Hermione and Fat Horace went to the bushes to hide and Harry marched up to the front door of Voldemort's secret hideaway and knocked twice.

"Password," a voice drawled from behind the door.

"I'm Harry Potter," said Harry Potter. "Tell the Dark Lord I've come to duel."

"Ha, ha," said the Death Eater. "Very funny, but not the password. Leave or I'll melt your testicles."

"No," said Harry. "Look, Mr. Death Eater, sir, it really is Harry Potter here and I really have come to duel."

"First off," said the Death Eater, "we're Life Eaters now. We've decided that eating death could have positive connotations and secondly, there is no way Harry Potter is stupid enough to come here without any back-up."

"Look, just open the door and I'll prove I'm Harry."

"Very well," the Death Eater cracked open the door and peered at Harry from behind his death mask. "So it is you," he conceded. "I will inform the Dark Lord that Harry Potter had some sort of ill-formed trap waiting for him."

"Thank you very much," said Harry and stepped back outside to wait.

Voldemort didn't keep him long. In fact, after only two minutes the Dark Lord emerged, pulling on a winter robe that had FEAR ME emblazoned on the back. Nagini trailed after him. "Potter," he greeted, "I grow bored with your childish antics."

"Lord Voldemort," Harry said. "I grow bored with your face. You are a murderous, stinking poopy pants and I'm going to kill you for all the things you ruined in my life: my parents, Cedric, Sirius, my childhood…"

"Is that all?" Voldemort asked sounding more than a little bored with Harry's orphan angst. "I was in the middle of my foot massage and Doctor Who starts in five minutes."

Behind Voldemort, Harry could see Ron and Hermione making the snake swap.

"You know what?" said Voldemort. "I might as well kill you now and be done with it." He drew his wand. "AVADA--"

"OH MY GOD!" Harry screamed, pointing wildly off to his left. "What the hell is that thing?"

Voldemort looked. When he did, Harry darted to his Firebolt, mounted it and zoomed off after Ron and Hermione.

Voldemort shrugged. "I'll just kill the brat some other time."

* * *

"That was brilliant!" crowed Ron as they dragged Voldemort's snake into the Gryffindor common room. "Fantastic!" 

"I can't believe something that idiotic actually worked," said Hermione. "This defies all logic."

"What do we do now?" asked Ron. "We've got the third part of Voldemort's soul…"

Harry shrugged. "I'll go grab Gryffindor's sword. We can chop the snake up."

"You're going to kill it?" a new voice asked incredulously.

Harry whipped his head around only to see the fiery red hair of his forbidden love, Ginny. His brain glazed over in a lovesick stupor.

"Look at it's little snaky face," Ginny said, turning the snake's eyes towards Harry so he could get the full effect of the hypnotic gaze. "You took her out of a bad environment," Ginny said, absently stroking her scales. "She only wants to be loved…"

"Ginny," Ron said softly. "She's part of Voldemort's soul. Remember Tom Riddle's diary and how he turned you into his bitch? The snake's kinda like that."

"No she's not!" insisted Ginny. "She's just misunderstood. Go ahead, Harry. Pet her."

It seemed like a good idea when Ginny said it so Harry bent over and put out a hand…

Which of course was immediately bitten because Voldemort's soul strongly objected to being fondled by Harry Potter.

So Nagini emptied enough poison into Harry's veins to kill a couple dozen elephants which killed Harry himself in a matter of seconds.

* * *

_Dear Readers (possibly without the 's,' don't think there's many of you),  
We are locked in a valiant effort to finish this before JKR puts out HP7. In our defense, we thought we'd have five years to do it after the last wait so we're a bit behind…But we're trying.  
-ITL _


	8. Chapter the Eight

_Dear Readers,  
I think me and Pyro are the only ones still finding this story hilarious. Oh well...  
-ITL  
_

_**Chapter the Eight**_

Harry groaned and rubbed his forehead. This dying every other chapter thing was starting to get tedious. Ginny was watching him sheepishly from one of the overstuffed armchairs next to the fireplace, Hermione was sitting next to him on the carpet and Ron was nowhere to be seen.

Harry sat up. "OK, how did I survive this time?"

Hermione pushed a strand of hair out of her face. "Well," she began, "Ginny was the one who sucked the poison out of the wound." Harry's face lit up. "But Ron was the one who gave you CPR."

Harry's face fell. He turned the color of zombie!Sirius's skin.

As Harry made retching sounds and began scrubbing out his mouth with the hem of his robe, Ron entered the common room from the entranceway holding a large silver sword casually in his hands. The large double-edged sword was as long as his leg and had enormous rubies embedded in the hilt. Ron tossed the sword onto the carpet beside Harry and suck into a chair next to his sister.

"Well, I took the snake down to Hagrid. He said he'd take care of it for us. I told him we'd found it on the grounds but I don't think he believed me."

"So, it's definitely dead then?" Harry asked.

Ron nodded. Next to him, Ginny blushed a deep red. "So," she asked looking much abashed. "Shall we get down to dinner?" Without waiting for an answer, she hurried through the portrait hole towards the Great Hall. Ron's head turned to watch her go.

"I wonder what's gotten into her?" he asked, looking perplexed.

"Oh, Ron," Hermione replied, gathering herself off the carpet. "She's embarrassed." She nodded towards Harry. Ron stood and helped Harry to his feet.

"What, about the snake? It's not like she knew it would go for him. She's always been a bit stupid about animals."

The three of them stepped through the portrait hole and headed to the main hall. "Anyway though, Harry, what do you reckon?"

Harry shot him a confused look. "About what?"

"You know, about the horcruxes," Ron replied.

Hermione shushed him as a small group of Ravenclaw second years walked past, talking animatedly about theoretical physics. Hey, they were Ravenclaws.

Harry leaned in and began speaking in a hushed tone. "Well, it's one down, but I wish we knew what the others were." Harry was racking his brains, trying to come up with some clue that he might have missed that would point him in the right direction. "Hermione, what do you…" He turned to his left and realized that he and Ron had been walking on their own for the last few paces. "Hermione?"

They both turned around where Hermione was staring at the wall on her left with a look of shocked wonder. Ron took a step towards her, clearly confused. "'Mione, what are you doing?" Harry was wondering the same thing.

She looked at them both; then broke into a brilliant grin.

"Oh Harry, Ron, don't you know where we are?"

They both looked around the hall. "No," Ron replied. "Where are we?"

But Harry was staring at the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy on the opposite wall with a look of dawning comprehension. He remembered from his fifth year when Dobby the house elf had told him about a room, a room that contained whatever you needed, whenever you needed it. He locked eyes with Hermione. "The room of requirement."

She nodded.

Ron gave a startled noise and Harry turned to look at him, a giant grin spreading over his face. "But would that work?" Ron asked breathlessly. "I mean, it feels like cheating, you know. And well…" He lowered his voice to just above a whisper. "would you-know-who let his stuff end up at Hogwarts?"

Hermione answered in the same breathless tone. "He wouldn't have a choice, would he? The room gives you what you need,"

Harry was staring blankly at the empty stone wall. Could it really be so simple? After years of fighting Voldemort, could it really end this easily? It was like what Ron had said: it almost felt like cheating. "Stand back," he said suddenly, surprising Ron and Hermione out of their argument. "I-I-I have to try."

They both stood off to the side, staring at him with rapt attention. He began pacing back and forth before the wall, concentrating. _We need the horcruxes,_ he thought, _the last of the horcruxes, please._ There was a small thunk and he heard Hermione and Ron gasp. He looked to his right. A large, heavy oak door had appeared in the center of the wall with a brass handle set into it just and the height of his hand. He looked back at Hermione who returned his glace with trepidation. Ron gazed eagerly at the door. Harry turned, placed his hand on the door and...

"What are you doing here!" A familiar wheezing voice cut through the silence. Filch here, now!

Harry cast a desperate look back at the door which was standing as solidly as before.

Filch pointed an accusing finger at them as Mrs. Norris turned her lamp-like gaze on them. "Here now, what are you three up to?" He squinted at the door. "Planning trouble are you?" he asked with barely suppressed glee.

"We…" Harry began and was interrupted by Filch.

"You lot should be at dinner. Go on." He shooed them down the corridor.

They went quietly. As they rounded the corner, Harry glanced back over his shoulder to find that the door had vanished.

* * *

At dinner Ron sat picking at his shepherd's pie, grumbling, "That stupid, lousy git! We're trying to save the wizarding world and he goes and messes it all up!" 

Hermione looked up from the book she was reading (Dangerous Curses and How to Break Them, by Dirk Newton).

"Ron, for the last time, we can go back to the room after dinner. It's not like Filch gave us detention or anything. "She shook her head and returned to her book.

Harry was thinking, his fork twirling idly around his plate. Why hadn't he thought of it before? The Room of Requirement, after all, had been such a large plot point in book five… His musings were cut short by a loud screech. Harry looked up to see, much to his surprise, a large tawny owl landing in front of him with a red letter in his beak. At the sight of it, his scar began to prickle painfully.

The owl dropped its letter in Harry's plate and took flight. Draco Malfoy, sitting a few seats away gave a loud burst of derisive laughter. "Everyone look! Someone's sent Potter a howler!" He grinned eagerly as Harry held up the now smoking letter by the corner.

Ron stared at it nervously. "Blimey, Harry, who do you think sent it?"

"Only one way to find out," Harry said grimly.

Using his knife, he carefully slit open the howler. Immediately, a hugely magnified voice began shouting to the Great Hall, accompanied by a surge of pain from his scar. _"HOW DARE YOU SEEK TO DESTROY THE GREAT LORD VOLDEMORT WITH SUCK A CHILDISH TRICK!!" _

Ron's fork fell to his plate with a loud clatter.

"_FOR ONE THING, I AM NOT STUPID. I COULD TELL THAT YOU WERE UP TO SOMETHING WHEN YOU ARRIVED AT MY DOOR WITH SUCH A PATHETIC EXCUSE. SECONDLY, I CAN SPEAK TO SNAKES TOO, YOU IDIOT!!! YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY PARSELTONGUE ON THE PLANET?!!?!!?! ALL YOU BLOODY TEENAGERS ARE ALIKE, THINKING YOU'RE SO SPECIALY. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE MY ARCH NEMISIS!!!!! NEXT TIME AT LEAST TRY TO INCLUDE SOME LEVEL OF COMPITANCY IN YOUR PLANS.!!! GREAT. NOW ALL THIS SHOUTING HAS GIVEN ME A HEADACHE. SOMEONE GET ME A WILLOW TEA! ANYWAY AS I WAS SAYING, HARRY POTTER. I AM COMING FOR MY SNAKE AND WHEN I DO, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU AT LAST AS I SHOULD HAVE DONE SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO."_

This was followed by a burst of cruel laughter. _"WHAT? YOU IDIOT, I ONLY TAKE MY WILLOW TEA WITH MILK AND NO SUGAR!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP SIMPERING YOU PILE OF… WHAT?... IT'S STILL ON? TURN IT OFF BEFORE I…_" The howler abruptly cut off, leaving a stunned silence in the Great Hall as the words sunk in.

Harry suddenly realized that every eye in the school was on him. Even the teachers were staring.

"What!?" he shouted. "He never does anything before the end of the term!"

To a chorus of "He's right" and "We've got months at least!" the hall slowly filled with noise again.

Unseen by anyone, the howler gently floated down to the rough surface of the Gryffindor table where it crumpled into a small burning pile of ash.

* * *

_Dear Readers,  
Still attempting to finish before HP7. Still most likely going to fail. Sorry.  
-ITL&Pyro  
_


	9. Chapter the Ninth

_Dear Readers,  
I have nothing to say today and am just taking up space. Thank you.  
-ITL_

_**Chapter the Ninth**_

"I think You-Know-Who's mad at you," Ron said numbly. "A howler, public humiliation. That's about as low as you can get."

Harry stared at the smoldering ashes. "He just made it personal."

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "He's killed your parents, your godfather and your mentor and only just now it's personal?"

"I hope he got his tea," Draco said. "Good help is so hard to find these days."

"Harry," Ginny tried sheepishly. "Is there any way we could maybe, you know, initiate the plot sequence without destroying Hogwarts in the process? I'd rather like to still have a school next year."

Harry hesitated. His all consuming love for his beloved fiery red-head made him pause to consider this, but eventually he decided to do something so completely and utterly shocking that it would make Voldemort's head spin. "Guys," he said conspiratorially. "We've got to initiate the final plot sequence."

Ron gasped. "Gasp!" said Ron. "But it's almost five months too early!"

"Desperate times," Harry said. "Quick! To the Room of Requirement! Away!"

* * *

They crossed the hallway to the Room of Requirement burning with the intense desire to find all remaining pieces of Voldemort's fractured soul. It took longer than it should have since Ron was also wishing for a pony, but eventually the doorframe reappeared. Emblazoned on the doorframe were the words: _Dios ex machina. _Hermione mouthed the words to herself and smiled. "This is most definitely a good sign." 

The inside of the room was plain save the five short pillars standing in a line against the far wall. Harry approached the first pillar to find a small white note card standing on it. The card read: _ Voldemort's soul part one—Tom Riddle's diary has already been destroyed._ Harry smiled and moved to the second pillar to find a card reading: _Voldemort's soul part two—Voldemort's pet snake has already been destroyed._

Ron approached the middle pillar, grasping its content with a maniac grin. "It's a necklace!" he said, laughing. "Hey, 'Mione! I've got Voldemort's soul in my hands right now."

Harry glanced over to him. "Technically, it's only one seventh of his soul. Last year, Dumbledore gave me the horcrux exposition talk. He said he'd destroyed some sort of ring and we've killed the snake and the diary."

"This ever strike you as sort of girly," Ron asked, twirling the necklace in his hands. "I mean, look at where he puts his soul, a ring, a diary, a female snake, a necklace…"

"Dumbledore called it Slytherin's locked," Harry offered.

"See what I'm saying!" Ron continued. "His whole evil, destroy the world act is obviously compensating for something. What a pansy."

"For the last to horcruxes, Dumbledore reckoned it'd be something from the other founders."

"Can I smash the locket?" Ron pleaded. "Please, Harry! I haven't had a serious plot point since book one and it'll make me feel useful! I might even get over my inferiority complex!"

"Ron," Hermione scolded. "Just shut up and smash the damn necklace."

"Score!" Ron exclaimed, tossed the necklace on the ground and stomped on it. Yes, it was that easy. Ron was a big guy and the necklace was old. Get over it. "Right, fantastic. What next?"

Harry stared at the remaining pillar. It was the only one still holding an actual horcrux. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me."

"It might be Hufflepuff's," Hermione suggested. "I mean you can't always find a ring or a locket."

"It's a jar," Ron said.

It was a jar. An ordinary, quart sized jar. It was neatly labeled with masking tape and black in reading: _Voldemort's Soul Part Six._

"Holy shit!" Ron exclaimed. "It's a bloody soul in a jar!"

"Technically," Hermione reminded him, "it's only one seventh of a soul in a jar."

"That's one seventh of _Voldemort's soul_ in a jar!" shouted Ron in excitement. "Can I smash it? Please, can I smash it?"

"Wait," said Hermione. "Something's wrong. There are only five pillars. Aren't there six horcruxes?" There was a loud smash as Ron shattered the jar. "We've only destroyed five. We're missing a part. We're missing part five of Voldemort's soul."

Ron shrugged. "We need something for the plot of the next few chapters. We can't get everything now, can we. C'mon, use your head."

"I dunno," Harry said. "Pyro and ITL really want to finish before the real book seven."

"Whatever," Ron said. "I say we sneak off to Hogsmeade and get drunk in celebration! Who's with me?"

"Well," Hermione said, "maybe some butterbeer…We do have classes in the morning."

"Brilliant!" exclaimed Ron. "How 'bout you, Harry? You up for it?"

"You two go ahead," Harry said. "I'll catch up. There's got to be something we're missing here."

"Fine," said Ron. "Be careful. Try not to die again!"

He opened the door. A flock of Slytherins sprinted by. Ron stared after them in surprise. "Blimey, wonder what's go into them?"

As he said that, Neville Longbottom came jogging down the hall. He'd filled out noticeably since the last time Ron had seen him, shoulders broadening, chest picking up some definition "Nev!" Ron cried. "I haven't seen you in ages! How's the inner house exchange program?"

"Going good," Neville said. "I think I've grown as a person."

"Hey, Rambo!" a Hufflepuff 3rd year called as the passed.

"Rambo?" Hermione asked.

Neville shrugged. "No idea what it meas. I think it's a muggle thing, like Dean and his football, you know?"

"Nev," Hermione asked. "Why've you got a big stick?"

He looked down at the offending object as if surprised to find it in his hands. "This? Oh, well do you guys remember, way back in chapter five when a mob of Slytherins were chasing me with torches and pitchforks?" He waited until Ron nodded in acknowledgement before hefting the big stick over his shoulder and smiling brightly. "This is payback. Did you happen to see them pass through?"

Wordlessly, Hermione pointed down the hallway.

"Thanks a load," said Neville. "Brilliant to see you two!"

He jogged off down the hall.

Ron and Hermione exchanged a glance and shrugged. "Inner-house exchange program."

* * *

Ron and Hermione were making out in a corner of the three broomsticks, butter beer abandoned in favor of face sucking. "Blimey," said Ron between smooches. "Why didn't we start doing this years ago?" 

"You may have not noticed," Hermione answered. "but you were kinda a prick a few years ago."

"Oh yeah," Ron said. "Sorry about that."

"I get the feeling we're approaching the climax of the story," Hermione said coyly. "Maybe we should, I dunno, get a room for tonight?"

Ron who was sure they still had a good five months before the climax of the story was not about to pass up an opportunity like that one. "Check!" he screamed. "Check NOW! Oh bugger it," he said, throwing a few sickles down on the table. "Let's go!"

Giggling, Hermione took his hand and allowed him to lead her out into Hogsmeade where they ran straight into Harry. Hermione instantly went to his side, touching his hand tentatively thoroughly confusing all shippers. "Harry," she said, "Harry. What'sa matter."

Harry started listlessly down the street. "I figured it out," he said. "The last horcrux. I figured it out." He turned to look at his friends. "It's me. It's what he did to me when he gave me this scar. I'm the last horacrux."

"But, Harry, that's absurd," protested Hermione. "It's one thing to force your soul on a snake. They were practically made for evil deeds, but a living, breathing, sentient human being already equipped with a soul? That's impossible, ridiculous. It's like saying 'oh! There was just a drive by shooting in Hogsmeade!' It would never happen!"

Only, as soon as she said that, a truck's engine revved and roaring down the main street of Hogsmeade came a dirty pick-up with a couple of hillbillies whooping in the back.

"Are those muggles?" Ron asked, peering towards them. "What kind of sticks have they got?"

"You have got to be kidding me," Hermione said. "You have got to be fuc—"

The first shot shattered the window of the Three Broomsticks sending every witch and wizard inside to a panic. The second shot careened off a lamp post and impaled itself into the wooden post office sign.

"Get down!" Hermione screamed.

The third shot, rather predictably found Harry's forehead, smashing a hole clear through to the other side.

(end chapter)

* * *

_Dear Pyro,  
If you will, initiate the plot sequence.  
-ITL_


	10. Chapter the Tenth

_Dear Readers,__  
We are back and, well actually we have finished. There are three chapters remaining. They will be posted daily.__  
-ITL_

_**Chapter the Tenth**_

"Wow," Harry said, rubbing his forehead. "That was a near miss.

Hermione looked up at him from where she was crouching next to Ron. "But I thought that hit you dead on!"

"Like I said, a near miss."

Ron and Hermione stood up, carefully brushing pieces of glass and brick from their robes.

"What the hell just happened?" Ron exclaimed. "What did those muggles do?!"

He looked down the road where a trail of dust still hung in the air. As Hermione began explaining to Ron the mechanics of a 'gun' and a 'drive by shooting,' Harry warily looked at the severe damage done to the magical storefronts around them.

"Hey, Hermione," Harry said suddenly.

Hermione cut off her explanations to Ron and turned towards Harry. "What's wrong?"

"Shouldn't the stores be shielded from gunfire? I mean they are magically protected, right?"

Hermione glanced around at the stores where the owners had already begun magical repairs. "Well," she said slowly, " I suppose so, but many wizards and witches have never even heard of guns so they probably weren't prepared for something like this. After all, Hogsmeade is supposed to be undetectable by muggles, just like Hogwarts is."

Harry's expression turned grim. "I don't like this! Someone could have been killed!" Hermione and Ron rolled their eyes. "Something is very wrong here."

"Yeah," Ron added. "How did a bunch of American hillbillies get into England?"

Harry looked pensively down the store-lined lane before turning to Hermione. "Hermione, you passed your apparition test, right?"

"Well, yes, but…"

"No, listen. I need you to apparate to Hogwarts and tell Dumbledore what's happened here."

Hermione gave him an exasperated look. "Harry, how many times do I have to tell you, you can not apparate on school grounds!"

Just as she finished saying that, there was a loud pop and suddenly a vaguely flustered zombie!Sirius was standing in front of them, busily reattaching his finger with spell-o-tape.

"Oh," Hermione said sheepishly. "All right then."

With a pop, she disappeared.

"Harry!" zombie!Sirius said. "Thank goodness you're all right!"

"Sirius!" Harry ran over to his deceased godfather. "I think something bad is going on. Voldemort might be trying to attack Hogwarts!"

Zombie!Sirius fixed him with a serious stare. "Don't be ridiculous, Harry. This was just a random act of violence, probably caused by gang warfare. It has nothing to do with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, the great and all powerful Dark Lord. Now, why don't you and your little friend come back with me to my office and we'll have a nice little chat."

Harry smiled and nodded, waving for Ron to join them.

"Come on, Ron!" Harry called. "Let's go!"

"I'm not so sure that's a good idea, Harry," Ron said.

Zombie!Sirius smiled. "I've got a nice, big bowl of candy there for you!"

Ron beamed. "All right!"

He stood on Zombie!Sirius's other side. "Okay, kids. Just hold onto me and on the count of three, we'll apparate!" Harry and Ron both nodded. "Excellent! One... two… three!"

They all disappeared with a loud crack.

* * *

In the castle, Hermione raced up the stairs to Dumbledore's office and burst in.

"Professor!" She skidded to a halt in front of Zombie!Dumbledore's desk where he was sitting, reading over a sheet of parchment.

"Professor Dumbledore! Harry sent me to tell you that he thinks that You-Know-Who is trying to take over Hogwarts and although we haven't seen You-Know-Who or any Death Eaters, I do think there is something strange going on. All the spells around the castle are gone!" She stopped, panting.

Zombie!Dumbledore didn't look up from his parchment. Hermione took a hesitant step forward. "Professor?"

And oily voice suddenly floated out of the darkness from behind her. "Don't bother. He can't help you now."

Hermione whipped around to find…

"Professor Snape! What's going—"

"Oh, shut up you stupid girl. Even after all the work we've done on Inferi, you still couldn't tell that I was the Inferi master all along. How disappointing."

Hermione stared at him, wide-eyed.

"But, but why?" she asked breathlessly.

"Why do you think?" he snarled, pulling out his wand. He pointed it at Hermione and began muttering a spell. But, before he could finish, she disapparated with a crack.

* * *

In Sirius's classroom, they landed so hard that Ron and Harry both overbalanced and fell down on either side of zombie!Sirius.

"So," Harry asked, jumping straight to his feet, "even if the shooting wasn't caused by Voldemort, it's still strange that there were muggles in Hogsmeade, right? What do you think is going on?"

zombie!Sirius who had taken a few steps forward, suddenly whipped around and pointed his wand at Harry. "I'm sorry, Harry, but you're right. You're always spot on in your guesses. Well done indeed." Harry recoiled in surprise. "The Dark Lord _is _coming to Hogwarts and when he arrives, he will personally kill you!"

There was a tense moment as Harry stared, unbelieving at his once living godfather.

"But—but then you're a…"

"Yes, Harry. This may come as a shock, but I am an Inferi."

Ron snorted and rolled his eyes, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like _duh_.

Harry fell to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

"Yes, Harry, I am one of the legions of the undead who are massing around Hogwarts as we speak." He flourished his wand and the walls took on a shimmery gray appearance. "Now I must go and join my fellow Inferi as we take over Hogwarts, feast on the flesh of its students and prepare for the coming of the Dark Lord."

And with that, he vanished.

For a moment there was dead silence in the room as Ron and Harry stared at the spot where Sirius had vanished.

"I just can't believe…" Harry began.

"Oh, come on," Ron cut in. "Don't even say that you didn't know he was a zombie. Even I knew that and I'm supposed to be the dumb one! Now get off your hero ass and get us out of this room!"

Harry stared at Ron, slack jawed. "Well, what am I supposed to do?"

"We still have our wands," Ron said reflectively, pulling his out. "Maybe we can blast out way out."

"Harry looked around the small classroom. "I don't think so. It looks like a simple protego charm on the walls, but I can't think of a way to get around it." He crossed over to the door and poked it with his wand.

"Well, we have to do something!" Ron exclaimed. "We can't just sit here twiddling out thumbs while the Death Eaters take over Hogwarts. Hermione's out there, Harry! She could die! I've been waiting six years for that shag, mate!"

"Ron, calm down. We'll figure this out."

Harry turned to face his friend. Ron's face was almost as red as his hair and he held his wand tightly.

"Everyone always thinks you're the hero, but you can't see anyone's problems but your own! I'm going to find Hermione and Ginny and get them out of Hogwarts before Voldemort kills them!"

"Ron, no!" Harry shouted.

But it was too late, Ron shouted, "_Reducto!_"

Harry pushed Ron to the ground as the spell rebounded off the enchanted wall and returned to where Ron had been standing, a space Harry now occupied.

It slammed into Harry, reducing him to a fine red mist in an instant. All that was left was his glasses and a few splintered shards of wood that used to be his wand.

"Harry." Ron stared at the glasses in disbelief. "Oh, shit."

* * *

_Dear Readers,  
We apologize for the brief hiatus. We paused to read book seven. Just so you know, this story was planned out well in advance to the seventh book. Any resemblances or dissimilarities between the parody and the real book seven are completely coincidental. _

_Also, yes, Harry is dead. Totally dead and is not coming back.  
-Pyro_

_Dear Pyro,  
About damn time.  
-ITL_


	11. Chapter the Eleventh

_Dear Readers,  
Hey, Pyro killed him, not me.  
-ITL_

_**Chapter the Eleventh**_

This was bad. This was quite possibly the biggest, baddest fuck up Ron Weasley ever had on his conscious. Where Harry had been standing, there was nothing but red floating on air. Ron stepped towards it. In his mind, Hermione whispered, _"You should never stick your face in strange objects, mists or concoctions. Very often, badness results."_

This was already had. Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived00dead at the hands of his best friend. The mist in the air was blood. Red, sticky and still warm. There was an odd crunching sound at his feet. He looked down to realized that he'd reduced Harry's spectacles to glass shards and twisted metal, the unbreakable charm broken the instant Harry had bit it.

"Aren't you coming to come back?" Ron asked the broken glasses. "Come on, not even crazy American hillbillies can finish Harry Potter! These deaths keep having loopholes! Where's our next miracle!"

Unfortunately, Miracles (backward) 'R Us was now under Insane Troll Logic's management rather than Pyro's. Which meant they were fresh out of miracles.

Sucked for Ron…

"Come back!" Ron pleaded. "I'll give you a chocolate frog! Or an Every Flavor Bean! The good flavor. You have dibs on the grass!"

Harry's glasses, not behind sentient, did not reply.

Ron let out a very manly scream!of!anguish! Asides from being very tragic, this also attracted zombie!Sirius who found angst to be nearly as good a sustenance as brains. "Dearest Ronald." As if to punctuate the point, one of his eyes popped out. "Whatever is the matter?"

"S'Harry," Ron choked as the single manly tear of emo rolled down his cheek. "I didn't mean to . It was an accident."

"Of course it was, my dear boy," zombie!Sirius said. "But it is a tragedy that can be remedied."

The creepiness of the zombie professor's with the missing eye suddenly became secondary to _the Loophole_. Ron wiped the single manly tear of emo from his cheek. "I'm listening."

"It's Voldemort, my dear boy," zombie!Sirius explained, green, rotten face stretching into a parody of a grin. "Voldemort is the greatest wizard of all. He can take death and turn it back into something beautiful, full of vitality. All you have to do is allow him access to Hogwarts. There is magic in this place. Voldemort will not enter the grounds without a student's invitation."

Ron stared into zombie!Sirius's single eye. "Where do I go?"

* * *

The Life Eaters were in the Forbidden Forest. Even though school administration had told them for years that the Forbidden Forest was strictly forbidden, there were approximately 27 students also in the forest.

Ron Weasley marched stoically into the forest, twisted remnants of Harry's glasses in the pocket of his robes. Behind him, zombie!Sirius made sure to keep him moving.

Not thirty yards into the Forest, Voldemort approached him. Ron stood his ground. "Ronald Weasley," Voldemort hissed, "destroyer of three parts of my soul. What brings you walking so boldly into my presence? How can you possibly expect to escape with your life? Harry Potter's best friend…"

"Harry's dead," Ron said, tossing the broken glasses before him. "I-I-it was my fault. In the…" He started to cry. "

Zombie!Sirius's hand rubbed his back soothingly. It would have been a comfort if the finger nails had stayed attached. "That's it. Let it all out, son."

"Don't listed to him Ron! He's dead! What does he know!"

"Who the hell are you?" Ron asked.

The boy in question was a tiny blond third year with a light smattering of freckles under dark brown eyes. "Kevin Whitby!" proclaimed Kevin Whitby. "Last one sorted in book four!"

"What the hell are you doing here?" Ron asked. "I though you were a Hufflepuff."

"C'mon Ron, everyone hands out here. Or at least, all the cool kids do . We party with the centaurs and the giant spiders. It's a good time." The Life Eater holding him shook him roughly. "Or at least it was a good time until these bozos crashed the party."

"They are Life Eaters," Voldemort bellowed, extending a long bony finger towards Kevin Whitby. "Not bozos! Life Eaters! Get it right!"

"Bozos," Kevin Whitby repeated.

"DIE INFIDEL!" Voldemort screamed and Kevin Whitby collapsed to the ground. Which was troubling considering Voldemort hadn't even cast a spell. He turned back to Ron with a self satisfied smirk. "Now tell me dear Ronald, why you should not share his fate."

"'Cause I can get you into Hogwarts," Ron said. "All you have to do for me is bring Harry back."

"Can he be a minion?" Voldemort asked gleefully. "I've always loved making minions out of my best enemies. The irony makes me squee."

"What's squee?"

"SILENCE INFIDEL!" Voldemort bellowed. "Answer the question put to you and do not attempt to weasel your way out of it!"

"Fine," Ron said. "He can be a minion. I don't care. Just make him not be dead."

"First, tell me how to get into Hogwarts!"

"Oh," Ron said. "You can apparate. All the wards are down. I thought you guys already knew that."

"Apparate?" Voldemort said thoughtfully. "Genius! Think of how dramatic that will be! Life Eaters apparating onto Hogwarts grounds—a feat that has not been accomplished in thousands of years."

"Actually," Ron said. "Me, Hermione and Harry did it about—" He broke off as he was hit by the angst. Harry was dead. Again. But for real this time. Dead as a doornail and getting deader…

Voldemort nodded towards his Life Eater legions and his zombie legions. "Legions!" he bellowed. "Attack Hogwarts! Commit vile atrocities and tragically kill at least twenty first years!"

He nodded back towards zombie!Sirius and Ron "Sirius, you have my permission to eat the boy's brains."

"But Harry!" Ron screamed. "You promised me you would bring back Harry if I told you the way into Hogwarts!"

"First of all," said Voldemort, " I am the evilest wizard in history. I kill muggles and eat babies for fun. Why is it so shocking that I would lie to you? Secondly, your intel would have become painfully obvious shortly. It was so crappy, it would hardly merit my resurrecting your goldfish, much less a human being. Finally, we never shook on it." He folded his arms across his chest and stuck out his snake-like tongue. "So there! Now, I must go! I have a castle full of children I need to annihilate!"

With a magical swish of his cape, he apparated along with the majority of his legions.

"All right," Ron said. "I'll admit it. That looked pretty impressive."

"Brains!!" zombie!Sirius moaned from behind him. "BRAINS!!!!"

"Shit!" Ron said. "Shit, shitty, shit, shit!"

"Brains!!!!"

Zombie!Sirius lurched forward. Ron wondered how Harry could have missed it. How he could look past the rotting, green skin, the decaying body, the vacant eyes (only one eye now and that was a tip off if Ron had ever seen one.) And then he remembered that Harry was dead and doubting the dead caused omg! The ANGST! And the WOE!! And Ron was momentarily crippled by it. Watching his dead best friend's zombie godfather lurching toward him, he couldn't summon a single spell to his mind, much less raise his wand.

Suddenly, someone jumped in front of him, shooting a blue flame at the zombie. Zombie!Sirius's coat caught fire and he waved his arms wildly. "Fried brains!! BRAINS!!!"

Arms linked around both of Ron's own, dragging him back, away from the zombie and into the forest. "C'mon Ron! Little help here! You're heavy!"

Ron recognized the voice. The kind in from of him was Kevin Whitby, previously assumed dead. He flashed Ron a wide smile. "Come on, Weasley, not even Voldemort can kill with the power of his mind."

"Who _are _you people?"

"Kevin Whitby," Kevin Whitby said proudly. He gestured behind him to a girl with bright red hair and freckles and a rather bookish looking boy with frizzy brown hair and buck teeth. "This is Rita Beasley and Harmon Danger."

Ron gave him a weird look .Whitby shrugged. "What? You think you three are the only people to ever save Hogwarts from certain doom? Come off it, loads of people have done it."

"I'm dreaming," Ron said faintly. "Harry's dead and I've run into the Hufflepuff parallels of us and this is all a horrible, horrible dream."

Whitby slapped him. It hurt. Ron glared. "Why couldn't you just let me live in denial . I was much happier there.:

"Look," Whitby said plainly. "Your friend's dead and you screwed up big time. Now unless you get your act together, you're going to go down in history as the person who let Armageddon happen. If we even have history after Voldemort's done with us.:

"In other words," said Beasley. "Get over it, pill yourself together and let's go save the world."

"Guys," said Danger. "This might mot be the greatest idea. We're just kids. Someone should really alert the ministry and, you know, the Order of the Phoenix."

Ron gaped. "How do you know about—"

"Don't ask," Whitby said. "It's a long story and we have an apocalypse on our hands."

"Right," Beasley said, drawing her wand with a grin. "Let's kick some Life Eater ass."

* * *

In Hogwarts, the breakfast crowd was chatting away happily when they heard an unearthly rumble. At first they thought it was just the owls coming in for morning post, but no owls came.

Then a single, black, clearly dead owl arched out of nowhere and into the Great Hall. Neville Longbottom stood up, took two steps forward, detached the note from its left leg, unfolded the parchment, cleared his throat and read it aloud.

"'Dear Puny Hogwarts Students, I, the Evil Lord Voldemort am coming to slaughter you all. Love, Tom "Voldemort" Riddle.'" Neville cleared his throat. "'PS. Harry's dead already which means I WIN!!! Bwahahahahaha!'" Neville lowered the letter grimly. "There are thirty three exclamation points."

Everyone turned their gaze to zombie!Dumbledore sitting regally at the high table. He stood up, adjusted his robs, lost an ear and finally spoke. "My dearest students, esteemed colleagues and my friends. In the face of this terrible impending disaster, I have one thing to say and one thing only." His eyes rolled back in their sockets, he extended his arms in front of him, stumbled forward and moaned, "BRAINS!!!"

There was a moment of complete silence.

Then the doors of the Great Hall burst open and out poured legions upon legions of zombies, Life Eaters and other nasty beasts.

All hell broke loose.

* * *

_Dear Readers,  
There is only one remaining chapter. I could cry. Except you know, me and Pyro nearly busted a rib writing the last chapter.  
-ITL_


	12. Chapter the Last

_Dear Dedicated Readers,_

_We have written the final chapter together for optimum crazy. And we mean crazy. We first have to warn of several minor spoilers. So if you haven't read the seventh book, what the hell are you doing reading this parody. Finish and then come back. Secondly, as always, we are indebted to JKR for the plot but also to Rambo and Evil Dead for… well you'll see._

_-PYRO AND ITL _

**_Chapter the Last_**

Life eaters and Inferi stormed the smoky hallways of Hogwarts. Green light flashed through the air. Little children were screaming. Older children were telling them to shut the fuck up and hide. Gryffindors raced through the hallway slinging spells in every direction. Ravenclaws raced through the hallways slinging dictionaries and unabridged Charles Dickens novels in every direction. Teachers raced through the hallway, just sort of _kicking ass_. Hufflepuffs and Slytherins were conspicuously absent.

One of the oncoming legions of doom paused long enough to announce: "Life eaters have come TO KILL YOU ALL!"

"Life eaters?" echoed a second year Ravenclaw. "I guess that makes more sense than death eaters, because logically, eating life would be much more terrifying but come on, a name change? This late in the series? With no PR release? That's just absurd—"

"SILENCE INFIDEL!" boomed Voldemort.

"What the hell are you doing here," asked Ginny. "I thought you never attacked until May! It's the second week of school for Merlin's sake."

"DIE INFIDEL!" bellowed Voldemort and there was a green flash and Ginny was no more.

Yes, that means this shit just got real.

We really did just go there.

Ron burst into the great hall, Kevin Whitby on his tail. "GUYS RUN! VOLDEMORT'S COMING!"

One of the Life Eater, dragging a first year by the legs gave him a scathing look. "No shit, Sherlock." He turned to his companion. "This one's definitely not a Ravenclaw."

They resumed mass murder. Seriously. Bloodbath. We really did just go there.

Kevin Whitby turned to Rita and Harmon his gender changed sidekicks, "we need the Hufflepuffs now! Where are our karate squadrons?! We need the nunchucks!!"

"Sharpening stakes in the common room!" Ron…we mean Rita shouted back over the noise of the battle.

"To the common room!" Kevin screamed and charged out of the hall.

Right then as it looked like hope was most definitely lost, Hermione Granger came into the hall. "Guys! I brought the grown ups! It's all good! Harry can defeat the evil Dark Lord and then we can all go back to cramming for N.E.W.T.s"

A bloodstained Ravenclaw raced past. "What a nerd!"

Ron approached the frazzled Hermione. "How can you think of studying at a time like this. We've got six months until testing! Don't you think there is a more important use of our time?"

"Not according to Hogwarts a History!" Hermione replied. "Sometimes they give N.E.W.T.s early, just to catch us off our guard. After Harry Kills Voldemort, there's going to be tests. BIG IMPORTANT TESTS that could determine our very future. So-" she looked around. "Where is Harry? He needs to kill Voldemort fast so we can resume studying."

"Oh," Ron said. "about that. Harry's dead. I kind of… uh… might have blown him up."

"And he didn't come back? That really is unusual!" She paused. "Wait a minute, YOU BLEW UP HARRY POTTER??"

"Maybe. A little."

"How little?"

"Microscopic flecks of blood little?"

"RON YOU IDIOT!! MANKIND HOLDS NO HOPE ANYMORE!!"

Ron glanced to the raging battle. "Neville looks like he's doing all right. So, where were you last chapter!"

"Oh wait! I forgot to give them the all clear." She turned to look over her shoulder. "Any time you guys want to stem the slaughter of innocents is fine by me."

Lupin, Moody, Fred, George and the rest of the order leapt through the doorway and started KICKING ASS!! Fred tripped over a body as a killing curse shot past his head. "Blimey!" said George. "That was close!"

"Come on George," Fred said, dusting himself off. "They can't kill us! We're the Weasley twins."

Right as he said that, Lupin got blasted in the stomach with a killing curse.

Zombie!Sirius looked up from his BRAINS!!! and screamed. "NOOOOOO!!!!!"

As Life Eaters stood gloating over Lupin's body, he suddenly jumped up, slinging curses everywhere. "HA! NOT SILVER YOU BITCHES!!!"

After he'd dispatched all the looming Life Eaters, his eyes locked with Sirius's across the room. "Sirius!" he cried. "OMG SIRIUS!!"

They ran to each other in slow motion, wind whipping through Sirius's pimp daddy coat and Lupin's smarmy facial hair respectively. They met in the middle of the hall and their mouths locked in a completely mind blowing spiny kiss right out of a romance movie. Or possibly Brokeback Mountain.

Zombie!Sirius pulled back and moaned. "BRAINS!!!!!!!!!!"

Lupin slapped him hard across his cheek causing his other eye to fall from its socket. "You WHORE!!! You come back from the dead AND DON'T EVEN CALL!! Did you find a lady Inferi friend? WHAT THE HELL!!!"

Tonks, staring at two of them muttered. "I was just about to ask the same thing."

Suddenly, Sirius's head fell into Lupin's hands as a screaming Hufflepuff wielding a machete ran past. Lupin fell to his knees and screamed, "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Snape, lurking ominously in the shadows, directing zombie attacks with his wand said, "Oh shit. The Hufflepuff karate squadrons have arrived. I was afraid of this!!"

Ron saw Snape across the crowd. "OH MY GOD YOU'RE EVIL!!! I NEVER SUSPECTED ANYTHING. HOW ARE YOU SO GOOD AT DECIET!?"

Snape stared at him. "What? Really? You are the stupid one."

Right as he said that, a piece of wood appeared in the middle of Snape's chest. "LUPIN! I'VE ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!"

Zombie!Dumbledore, stared at Snape in shock. "YOU LYING WHORE!"

Snape then let out an unearthly wail and crumbled into dust, revealing Kevin Whitby holding his wand like a stake. "Well," he said. "that was unexpected!"

Around the room, each and every zombie suddenly decomposed into dust and crumpled to the floor. Unfortunately, they were still outnumbered 27 to 1.

"Oh my God! Oh my GAWD!!" Hermione gasped, panicked. "You just staked a teacher!! You just staked a TEACHER!"

"Seriously!" wailed Her—er, we mean Harmon. "WE'RE GOING TO GET EXPELLED!"

Ron and Rita let out identical whoops of laughter. "That was freaking AWESOME!" And they high fived.

"Wait," Ron said a second later. "Snape's a vampire?"

"Was a vampire," Kevin corrected.

Meanwhile, across the room, Neville, leading a Hufflepuff battalion whirled around to see Bellitrix Lestrange, who as more astute readers may remember is the reason Neville's life sucked. She smirked and held up a toad.

"Trevor!" Neville whispered.

Bellitrix squeezed, slowly crushing the toad to grisly death.

Neville's eyes went cold. "You tortured my parents, made me live with my crazy-ass grandma, threaten my friends and now, YOU KILLED MY TOAD. THAT'S IT BITCH. THIS. MEANS. WAR!!!!!!"

He tore off his robes to reveal a dirty black wife beater, camo pants, a bandolier of ammo crossing his heavily muscled chest. He slowly reached up and tied a strip of cloth around his forehead.

On of the Hufflepuffs behind him reverently whispered, "Rambo."

Neville "Rambo" Longbottom, threw down his wand in favor of an old fashion M60 E4 machine gun and mowed the bitch down.

Voldemort stood in the middle of the hall, cackling and just generally killing everyone standing near him. Right as he set his sights on Fred Weasley and Remus Lupin, who, rather coincidentally were fighting back to back, Neville mowed him down with a burst of machine gun fire.

Voldemort's bullet-ridden body crumpled, as if in slow motion to the floor and the hall went completely silent.

Neville blew the smoke for his gun. "Take that, motherfucker."

The Life Eaters cowered before him.

"All right," he said, smiling. "This is my boom stick. Who's next?"

* * *

_19 years later_

Ron Weasley sat next to his wife Hermione Granger (what? She's a modern woman.). They had two little kiddies. One was name Harry Potter Granger-Weasley and the other was named Walking War Memorial Granger-Weasley. Their kids, understandably, were both secretly plotting to become Dark Lords so they could kill their parents for this fact.

In fact, the only kid in worse shape than their kids was Scorpious Malfoy. We mean, WtF Rowling. For the sake of this parody, we will rename him Bob.

"Now," said Ron. "You were named after my best friend who I accidentally blew up."

"Nice one dad." Harry Potter Granger-Weasley spat.

"Seriously," said Walking War Memorial. "You were the stupid one of your group weren't you?"

"Shut up. Anyway as I was saying, you were both named after those who gave their lives to create this glorious free wizarding world in which we live. If not for Harry and Dumbledore and…Snape for some reason, you would be living under Voldemort's evil fascist Government. So, when you go to school make your birthrights proud of you, study hard, eat your vegetables, torture the Slytherins and never pick on the Hufflepuffs. Professor Longbottom, is one of the bravest people I know and the only person to hold the Defense Against the Dark Arts job over a year so don't piss him off either. Just in general be good and always protect your freedom and those you love…or, you know, just want to shag."

"Um, dear" Hermione tapped him on the shoulder. "They've already left."

Ron looked around the empty station as the train let out a bellow of steam and began slowly moving foreword.

"oh."

A burly security guard approached Hermione. "Are you ready to go yet minister?"

"Just one more minute." Hermione and Ron stood silently watching the train pull away. A loud sniff behind them broke the silence.

"They grow up so fast." Harry said solemnly.

"Harry! I thought you were dead!" Ron cried.

"Spfff, it's a kids book Ron, seriously." Harry laughed. "I was just putting my kid on the train. Ginny's in the car sobbing."

"Ginny's dead!!!"

"No she's not."

"This epilogue sucks."

(The end)

* * *

_Dear Readers,_

_If you have finished. There is something wrong with you. Seriously, you're even worse than us. But thanks all the same. The world needs more crazy people. And to all the shippers out there, WE HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. There was something for EVERYONE. And it cost poor Pyro a piece of her soul.  
_

_Love,  
Pyro and ITL_

_PS. This entire thing, (all fifty plus pages) was written so that Neville could kill Voldemort with a machine gun. Yes, we are that strange._


End file.
